It’s my sixth day on the road and I’m already onto my third destination in French Polynesia. I’m currently on a small island called Fakarava laying in a hammock and digesting all the events that have led up to this point. It seems that I am having many repeat experiences that I faced during my last travels, only now they’re occurring at a much faster pace. Lessons that took months to unfold are coming in waves and I wonder if these breadcrumbs are tests to see how quickly I can regain my footing here on the road and where along my path of growth I will settle before pushing forward.

Island life has become quite comfortable (aside from the mosquitos) and meeting people has been surprisingly easy in a destination that I thought had a stronger language barrier and fewer solo travelers than many others. I just left an island that felt like home and a community that felt like family. I woke up a little sad today as I was forced to leave in the wake of yet another new reality. I haven’t felt sadness in quite some time and I wonder why it’s here now and so soon along my journey. My first guess would have been that I am moving too quickly and doing too much. But I think perhaps I want to be somewhere where I am not and these feelings are merely highlighting a pattern that I mentioned previously. I thought I was good at transitioning, and I wondered why this situation was any different.

Perhaps I am over-analyzing. Shouldn’t I just let these thoughts go and enjoy every moment? Isn’t that what the books say?

But the feelings are here. And even if they’re small, they’re real. So I’m guessing that means there’s something else buried down there too. Something triggering the discomfort. If I were to guess, I’d say it’s my mind running wild and perhaps the types of conversations I’ve been having. Feeding the thought process and tempting me to fixate on these so called imagined realities.

Imagined Realities - I cannot coin the term, but it’s definitely been a common theme thus far and should come with its own set of cautionary tape. How often does my imagination get away from me and how does that influence the way that I act? The sad truth is, every day. What to pack, where to go, how to approach interactions with other people, what to buy. This is marketing 101 and we’re surrounded by this conditioned way of thinking on a daily basis. I have to imagine the types of situations I will and want to be in tomorrow so that I can make these types of decisions today.

The funny thing is I always seem to want what I don’t have with me. This feeling of incompleteness is like an illness that hops around with me from place to place..

I guess this same thought process goes for the possible memories left behind. The could haves, should haves and would haves. The relationships that never were, the experiences that were never fulfilled, the possessions and opportunities that sit just out of reach. I’m pretty sure this is where the sadness is rooting from. Imagining more memories that could have been made with those people instead of just being grateful for having the experiences in the first place.

I guess I just have to remind myself, when in doubt, just remember the mantra: beware of imagined realities!

Okay, enough of the self reflection for now, how about some lighter stuff?

So backpacking the South Pacific...

Good news! It’s totally possible and a lot of others are doing it! It’s just not very cheap. I stayed in a dorm my first two nights in Tahiti, then hopped a ferry to an island called Mo’orea in the society archipelago. Caught some heavy rain my first day there and ended up deep in conversation with a fellow earthquake survivor. It amazed me how that happened. To come across someone who felt similar feelings of withdrawal, guilt, trauma, isolation and healing on a day where we had no choice but to talk to one another. It was as if she needed a piece to complete her own puzzle and that piece was understanding. Something that I could offer through my own experiences.

I loved that interaction so much. It seemed to open us both up to others and the conversations kept flowing with the rest of our group. In between scooting around the island, taking in the sights and having community dinners, we were having table conversations about love, commitment, partnership, social conditioning, desire, and of course imagined realities. You see, I’m not the only one that suffers from this way of thinking. But follow through on enough of these thoughts and perhaps you’ll find what I did. That what you think will be there on the other side often won’t be and what you’re left with is the same feelings that led you there in the first place waiting for another thought to latch onto. I usually tell people if there is something they feel strongly about doing, go do it and see what you find! There’s nothing more empowering than dissolving one of these fake realities for yourself. It shines a spotlight on our desires and how they tend to control our thinking.

I say all this but also wonder if there’s something else I’m not seeing. We did talk a lot about relationships and partnership and being in the honeymoon capital of the world, I wonder if I secretly desire that as well. If being alone is no longer where I want to be and if that’s what made me feel sad.

You see, there was a lot of my story that remained untold after Nepal. A lot of the inner healing that needed to be done related to my patterns with women. I wasn’t expecting to unpack that all here and now but maybe I should.

I stopped desiring partnership a couple years back. I mean I’ll grow it and cultivate it if it presents itself, but this thought of needing a single person to make life complete just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me anymore. Especially when most people select their partners based on the perceived value that the other brings to their life. But that said, the relationships that have appeared also followed these same patterns of imagined realities.. Maybe if I find someone who does this, is like me, or looks like that, then maybe things will be different. But every time I get there, it feels the same. Like I’ve lived that reality before and I can’t settle into it because I know where it leads. The only thing that brings me peace is this thought of growing love internally and giving it away selflessly to anyone that needs it.. But perhaps this one last imagined reality needs some further exploration.

I guess I’ll have to sit with this one a little longer and see what wants to come out. And don’t worry, I’m not wallowing in the dark here. I just know that when feelings come they’re trying to tell me something, and I just want to make sure I’m listening.