Dancing in the Shadows

I’m midway through my time in Tonga and I’m struggling a bit. Not for the more obvious reasons. I’m struggling with writing. This happened to me last time I was out here, the fatigue related to sharing, staying up to date and continuing with a story I already started telling. All while figuring out where I’m going simultaneously.

But being honest, the drive has somewhat disappeared. The words come out and I can write them, but they’ve lost some of their meaning and it feels like I’m only doing it because I already started. That was never the intent with this blog and so instead of forcing content, I want to have an honest conversation with you and see where this leads.

My time in New Zealand was wonderful. I didn’t see or do much but the company and connection with my companion was rare. Perhaps that’s why I’m now drawing a blank on what to write next. I can’t continue my thoughts on partnership because I think I just experienced something new. Uncharted territory if you will and it has me scratching my head wondering what’s going on internally, but there’s nothing really there. Just peace and contentment. Perhaps some curiosity as well. Details that won’t really make much sense here given where I left things hanging two weeks ago.

It does have me wondering if perhaps I was about to release something because I was secretly still covering up an old wound. Trying to see if by releasing it publicly, then I could prove that it no longer held power over me. If perhaps by sharing that wound with others, I could help promote their own healing. But as I traveled with this woman I met in French Polynesia, perhaps I already did just that and that’s why I’m now drawing a blank. I told her everything I was about to reveal. Every dark secret I could find internally. And she met me every step of the way with understanding and openness. In return we found things in her past that also needed exploration and did some of that together. Free of judgement, free of wounded behavior, free of conditioned thinking. We both have darker sides to us, but because we aired them out so early on, the feelings of desire and manipulation had no victim to latch onto. And we could communicate freely about things that would normally remain hidden and cause tension. Perhaps this is the new norm. I’ve never put such an emphasis on dissolving this behavior before, so I couldn’t tell you definitively. But following our week together I found it quite difficult to focus. Yes I was proud of the way we handled the situation, but my shadow side was at a loss because I didn’t complete the cycle that it was used to.

Pretty girl already in a relationship. That was my pattern remember? Maybe you don’t follow because I stopped telling you about my darker self.

The pattern I mentioned previously didn’t just involve using women to cover up a wound that I carried. I often was drawn towards women who were unavailable. I didn’t consciously choose them but when I started analyzing myself in the Philippines, it was eye opening to see how many of the women I had been with were already in relationships, were considered off limits, were emotionally unavailable, or just plain weren’t interested and I had to win them over. It’s as if the more unavailable they were, the easier it was for me to try and forget whatever it was that triggered the behavior.

The scary part was, I couldn’t see this or any of my other patterns for most of my adult life. And the even scarier part was that no one told me to look. I actually thought I was one of the good guys and to an extent I was a good one on paper and I could probably sell it to most people conversationally. But in hindsight, I would just turn to and repeat this pre-programmed behavior whenever life got too real. When I felt too much. Faced death or rejection. Feared loss. Was losing control. Or in this case, felt that I hadn’t done enough in Nepal. I would carefully put all the pieces back into place or engulf myself in new situations until I felt better and would suppress the feelings that led me there in the first place.

How many of us do that - revert to old behavior? We change one little piece and think everything will work out better this time. Do more and you are more, right? Life will open up. Or... will it eventually close off again?

Maybe you can put all the pieces back into place like I mentioned. Loneliness goes away. Meaning will come. Choose a better partner. Find a job you’re more passionate about. Get more physically fit. Pickup new hobbies so you can meet like minded people. Sign up for classes. Serve the greater good. Volunteer. That should make you feel good or look good. Find God and spirituality. Travel more. Live somewhere new. Or just stay busy and stop thinking so much. These are the avenues you will likely explore or the ones that will be pointed out to you. Maybe one will stick and you’ll find peace. Or maybe you’ll be like me and still feel like something is missing after some time has passed.

Sure I could have stopped my search there in the Philippines and rebuilt a life based on where I was. But chances are I would have treated a new relationship as an accomplishment and a family as just another thing to do and try to be good at. Going through the motions, at fake-peace with the world so that no one would look at me like an outsider anymore. But internally I’d know what I’d feel. That there’s more to life than this. Silencing the voice. Doing my best to tell myself otherwise. Controlling life and steering it where I wanted it to go. Secretly carrying the fear along with me that anything outside of my control could break and take away everything I had worked so hard to build up. All so that I wouldn’t have to suffer through discomfort.

Covering things up is not where fulfillment lives. That’s where suffering is born. The thought of loss and of losing control. And in those situations, fear runs our life. We fear what we don’t know, what we cannot see, what we do not expect and what we cannot control. It changes our dynamic with the world and with others. We shy away from change, hide in comfort, and lash out at our problems. Protecting ourselves and our view of the world. Society supports this mindset. It feeds it to us. This thought of division, of never having or being enough. The fear of judgement and the promotion of comparison. I know I felt it and didn’t know how to get past it.

This is the roadblock that I’m guessing many people have or will hit along their own path towards peace. The entry point and transition between doing more and being more. Between accomplishment and fulfillment.

Unfortunately, this is somewhat new territory and there aren’t going to be a lot of people around to talk things through. Ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? Most people are just focusing on getting by. They can’t meet you where you’re at because they’re not even trying to get there. You’ll know it by how they interact with you. Asking about finances and why you would leave comfort in search of something else? They’re still focused on security. Wondering about loneliness and relationships? They’re still looking to understand true love and belonging. Only interested in where you’re going or what you’ve done? They’re focusing on self esteem and achievement. Talking love and light? They’re either on a humble path towards self realization and they can help you find your way. Or they skipped a bunch of steps and are using it as an identity because none of the other levels feel comfortable just yet.

I’m not claiming to be enlightened or self-actualized. What I want to explore is, what if there are pieces that you can only find at the top of that pyramid that you need to bring back down and integrate into the other levels? What if this was the key to peace? Would you want to know? And once you know, will you use it?

I’ll leave those last two questions with you. But I’m going to give you the answer that I found and I’m going to give it to you easy instead of belaboring the details. The secret to finding peace is understanding that the purpose to this phase of life isn’t accomplishment, it’s growth. It’s using all of those different pathways that I mentioned to inform your intuitions and find your wounds. Because eventually the key to growth is healing. It’s identifying all of your little behavioral patterns and going back to understand why they’re there and to ask yourself - now that I can see where all this thinking roots from, is there something I should change? This is awareness. Reestablishing your value system and view of the world while removing anything that no longer fits with who you’ve consciously chosen to be.

That’s it. Once you do that. You’re good. You’ll find peace. Sound easy enough? Yeah it’s not. And I bet that flew right over your head. This is why I didn’t want to just give an easy answer. Many people go to professionals for this - mental and/or energetic. Join support groups. Some use psychedelics. Some read books. Or as I mentioned, most just bury the pain and cover it up until it pops out. So I’m going to repeat the most important part again, but this time pose it as a question. What if you knew without a doubt that your purpose in life was growth? How would that change your view of hardship and pain? Perhaps you’ll start to view them as opportunities to learn something new. Then they wouldn’t be so daunting. Maybe you’ll see that they were never standing in your way, but were there to point you in the right direction all along.

Now what if you knew that you could only grow as much as your character and your views of the world allowed? Would you challenge them? Would you go back to figure out how your past shaped your personality and choose who you’d like to be now? Are you brave enough to heal not just for yourself but for those around you?

Now what if I told you that all of these roads will eventually lead to love. The kind that isn’t dependent on a partner or a family. Would you embrace them? Would you be willing to look past the definitions of love that were given to you? Would you learn to grow it and give it away freely? Or would you prefer not to walk these paths at all because they’re too uncomfortable?

This is what I’m posing to you. This is what I’m trying to give to you. But we can’t get to the end unless we understand the beginning. We have to learn to heal.

This is why I have such an appreciation for people who have recovered from facing death, trauma, addiction, alcoholism, or abuse. Because they were forced to stare down the difficult path of healing. One that’s lonely. Naked. Where you have to strip away all your protective layers and allow all your scars and open wounds to be seen. I love my fellow traveler who’s walked this road because I know how difficult it was to get to that point in life. To ask for help. How brave it was to find a way to survive and to eventually recognize that you deserved a better way forward. How hard it is to keep the darkness at bay. To prevent yourself from lashing out at those that don’t understand and that wonder why you can’t be more like them. I see you. I applaud you. I stand with you. And I sit in silent support of others that haven’t reached their tipping point. That haven’t toed the line... Yet.

Just so you know, I asked for help too. And I explored many of those other avenues that I mentioned. I had to. This is how I found my patterns in the first place. I talked to someone and they told me right off the bat that I struggled with authority. That portions of me were stuck in my childhood. That I had a problem with spirituality. That I focused too much on doing rather than being. It’s only because I asked for help that I could sit here and share this with you today. This nudge is what set me down my own path of healing. And everything that I was looking for was not sitting in front of me waiting to be accomplished. It was behind me buried in my past yet controlling my future. We are rooted in family dynamics, environment, and circumstance. This is where our view of the world is first established and often stays with us throughout our lives. If you want to walk the path of growth, healing, and eventually get to love, this is where we have to start.

So where do we go from here? Perhaps you’re wondering if I’m ever going to tell you where my own patterns root from. Unfortunately that’s not going to be in this post either.

What you’re sensing is hesitancy. Perhaps my secrets are being slightly aloof as well. It takes some time to establish a safe environment to discuss difficult topics. Remember, I’ve had to sit with releasing that last post on relationships two weeks ago. I’ve received some notes of encouragement, applauding the vulnerability and transparency. But I am also aware of where silence sits. To dig into my past would mean to bring others into the story. And while I’m comfortable with facing possible judgement and discussing difficult topics openly, others close to the situation may not be. I see you. I feel you. And I’m treading cautiously for you. To open the floodgates would require a significant amount of trust that you will hear me and my wounds. Not focus in on the perceived shortcomings of others or in some cases yourselves. I don’t think I can do this while moving around a lot. I can’t put the amount of care and attention into the content that it deserves. For these reasons I’m going to finish up Tonga, have a week in Fiji with a friend, then go somewhere to settle down for a while to write some of this out.

This isn’t done. Neither are my travels. Just going with the flow and letting it be what it will. Onward!