Getting Uncomfortable

I’m sitting outside of an empty airport. It’s 10pm and my flight doesn’t leave for another four hours. I don’t think I’ve ever had an entire airport to myself, but so I must wait in just the company of my own thoughts. This has been the pattern here in the Cook Islands. Lots of sitting. Lots of thinking. Lots of empty space between downpours and sunshine. A week here was enough for me and I spent much of it trying to figure out how to leave the islands and where to spend my time over the next few weeks. I decided to head back to New Zealand for a week before heading to Tonga. It’s funny how that happened as it’s a place I’ve been before. A place where I last stopped writing my blog and a location that aided in much of my healing. I’ll be meeting a friend there and touring the north island together as I pickup writing a story that I stopped telling two years ago.

So the Cook Islands, what can I say? It was nice getting back to English after so much French, but I made a mistake not researching more ahead of time. I think I would’ve skipped the location if I were to do this again. It’s an equivalent to Bora Bora and the reason why I didn’t go there. Beautiful and scenic, but really touristy, overpriced, especially now during high season. To give some perspective, I spent an average of $200 per day. And this is while cooking 5 out of 7 days. To be fair, the average would have gone down if I stayed longer and it was mostly my fault not having booked accommodations or inter-island flights ahead of time. But it was what it was and I enjoyed the surroundings regardless. I stayed on my own most of the time. Scooting around and grabbing various treats to bring back to my bungalow. I thought a lot about what I was going to write next and what I was willing to share. It was quite tormenting actually, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

The highlight of the trip was going to Aitutaki. My splurge package to a picturesque lagoon that made you feel like you were sitting on a palette of swirled watercolors. So many blues, so much beauty. It was there that I met two lovely couples from Canada. I’m just returning now from having dinner with them at their villa. A gracious invite they extended to me after we spent the day touring the islands together.

It was interesting to me that they showed up when they did. All close friends with long standing relationships between them and their children, while I was here preparing to write and defend my stance on partnership. They reminded me that there’s beauty in that lifestyle too and that I should tread cautiously as I continue my story to not make anyone feel judged about their life choices.

This is the issue with baggage and triggers.. These rehearsed half truths and conditioned responses tend to come out to protect our wounds and our life choices. Sometimes you don’t even know that the baggage is there. It just comes out as you wonder why you would say such a thing given your audience. The conversation with the Canadians led to some interesting topics and before I knew it, my real ‘why’ came out. Something that I have yet to explain here. My real why does have to do with love, but not the kind you might think. But before I can begin explaining that, I need to start doing what I’ve been eluding to and that is, begin telling you an uncomfortable story.

This is your warning. If you don’t want to feel uncomfortable, then stop reading here and just skip the rest. Go look at pictures, maybe watch the video I just posted. But if you’re still with me and want to continue, then I hope for your understanding and compassion as I begin to dive into the depths of my darker secrets and give my wounded self part of the podium.

I’ve been talking about triggers a lot so far because I got triggered after the events in Nepal. I never realized that trauma could do such a thing and the version of me that came out was someone I was quite familiar with. This injured self longed for partnership, stability and status. I wanted, actually no, I needed someone else to accept me and desire me so that I could feel complete. This is what stopped me from traveling a few years back. This loneliness. I wanted the thoughts and self discovery to go away. I didn’t want it anymore. I felt too isolated given everything I learned, too misunderstood. I wanted to retreat back into the comforts of my old life and bury the pain. And so I parked myself in the Philippines and did exactly what I set out to do. I found someone to date, a 26 year old beauty that was hardly available, but was my new fixation. Perhaps my mind thought that if I was with someone like that, everything would look good on the outside and I wouldn’t have to deal with my real issues. You see, this was my pattern. The injured self would throw everything it had at women. Whatever they were looking for, I would become that, until I had their affection and acceptance. Then once I had what I needed, I didn’t want them anymore. Until they started pulling away on their own, then the pattern would start again and I would only push harder to gain their affection.

But isn’t this how most relationships are approached? Where the representative shows up on their best behavior, pulling out all these rehearsed scripts of romance until you catch someone and then they’re yours! Then you are safe, you are loved, you can get married and they have to accept you for life! This is the game, isn’t it? “What a catch!”, “Win her or him over.” Sure sounds like a game to me. Like musical chairs, grab a partner before the music stops! Before your physical looks fade. Before you can no longer have kids. Find partnership. Life is better that way! Then you can relax and cruise through your ups and downs. Put on the show. Settle into routine. Avoid conflict. Get married because it’s what you do. Say I love you because they’re the words you’re supposed to say. Or often times saying it because you want to hear it back. That’s love right? I belong to you. You belong to me. Treating relationships like possessions. Something to be won or lost. Having kids because we’re incomplete without them and you secretly need them to feel validated. Because you want to give them better lives than you had. To correct the mistakes made during your own upbringing. Yet still repeating the patterns and lifestyle choices given to you by your family. Conditioned role playing. I’m your parent, you’re my child. It’s the only way I can learn to love unconditionally, so I make you into a version of myself. For your best interest not mine, right? I longed for you as a purpose in life, yet once you’re here, I secretly long for silence, space and rest while telling others how great it is. I tell you how you should be and then judge, deny, or force when it’s not along the lines I wanted. Not according to the script that I had imagined for you. I view your struggles as my failure as a parent rather than your struggle as a child. That’s got to be love, right?

And then the darkness comes out over the years, someone is unfaithful, emotionally abusive or inept, doesn’t want to have sex or talk anymore, and you’re stuck wondering how you got there in the first place and never saw it coming. How you stare at your own life like an observer and wonder, is this it? Pretending that nothing is wrong but knowing that there is and telling yourself that you have to accept this behavior and life because you made a commitment to that person and should just bury your feelings in daily comforts.. How it’s easier to numb than to address and solve. How you’ve grown apart and don’t know how or if you should get out. How being single sucks and you don’t have the energy for that and you’d rather settle than struggle. How we don’t want the world to think we failed. How we hide from shame. When in fact the world fooled us into thinking this dream was everything to strive for. That these fairy tales that were sold to us were real. That they were the true source of love and the location of these meaningful lives that were once promised to us.

Is that love?

Perhaps there are shades of truth here. Perhaps there are misconceptions. Everyone will interpret this differently. But I dare you to read that more closely and see how many of those traps you currently or have fallen into.

You see, these comments are some of those half truths I mentioned. The lashing out and attacking one lifestyle in defense of another. Am I saying these things because I lack partnership? Is that the injured self talking? Are these thoughts that I’ve been holding onto that I need to unload in order to be understood? Or is there truth in these statements? And if there is, why do we not bring the subject into the light more often?

Maybe you found a better way forward. Maybe you don’t get it because you haven’t experienced it yet. Or maybe you are feeling defensive. Like I have it wrong and lost my way. Like I’m crying out for help. That’s okay too. Just know that I’m not attacking you and I’m not looking for help. I’m merely bringing uncomfortable subjects into the light and the discomfort you feel is your own fight or flight reaction to defend your life choices and value system. No one wants others to see these truths that we tend to bury below surface level perceptions. We’d rather judge others than look at ourselves. 

I say all these things because it’s not that I don’t believe in or can’t find partnership or that I fear commitment. It’s that a majority of us get into relationships before fully understanding ourselves. Without digging into our baggage or dissecting what partnership should mean to us vs what society tells us it should be. And then when our darkness and neediness comes out, we injure others in the process and everything compounds. If someone leaves us, we feel there’s something wrong with us, like we did something incorrectly and thus have something to prove. But the truth is, people almost always act out of their own self interest and the counter-party in the relationship or interaction is just collateral damage. Injured souls swiping for acceptance... Wounded children seeking acceptance from their parents or redemption by becoming a parent themselves. This is what we’re surrounded by today.

Take it from me. I was part of the problem. Something I’ll get into in the next entry. But for now, know that I’m not saying marriage is a trap and that it’s not something to strive for. I’m merely suggesting that if you haven’t selected a partner yet, know which part of you is making the decision - conditioned, injured, or whole. And if you are in a relationship that feels stale, know that there are deeper ways to begin connecting with your partner and your children if you’re open to them.

Feeling uncomfortable yet? Well it goes both ways and this is just beginning. This is not easy to post, but it’s what I plan to dig into and what’s going to be most uncomfortable for me to write about these coming weeks. The more interesting concept is that your reaction to these statements says more about where you stand than where I do. And if you’re feeling defensive or refusing to see truth in what I wrote above, then I ask that you try really hard to ask yourself why and if perhaps there’s something you cannot see. Maybe in that exercise you will understand how hard it is to work past conditioned thinking and recognize that this is a challenge, not a threat. I’m not here to isolate anyone, but I am willing to put all of my discovered skeletons here on display and explain how I finally dissolved some of this negative behavior and discovered a more meaningful approach to love. And no I don’t really want to tell it. And yes I do it in fear of judgement and fear of being misunderstood. But I also do it because maybe someone is also in this space that’s looking for hope and a way out of the cycle. Someone who is telling themselves they are lovable and deserving of more meaningful relationships but doesn’t 100% believe it or doesn’t know how to achieve it. This isn’t for those that judge. This isn’t meant for my own healing or self discovery, though perhaps there is some of that in here too. Some power I need to claim back. But ultimately, I write this in support of that person secretly in isolation. Lost in contemplation and thought because there isn’t a safe space to explore or release these less comfortable topics. I do it because you are worth it and there is a different way forward just not as obvious. I got you. I support you. I was you. I am you. And if my discomfort is the cost for helping you find a little more peace, then I’m in this with you. This is our journey together. In love.